Still Learning

Around the time I got married, a sweet friend of mine shared this verse with me:

"You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because He trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for in YAH, the LORD, is everlasting strength."

Isaiah 26:3-4 (NKJ)

During the first three years of marriage, my Bible flipped open to this verse on its own. I clung to it. When my mind wandered, when I wanted to trust in myself, I said this verse in my head. PEACE, perfect peace, was for the one whose mind was fixed on the Lord. The one who trusted in Him.

I assumed that when dental school was over, peace would come more naturally. I would find a new verse to get me through.

WRONG.

Those first months in Kansas were long. The days dragged on and were completely focused on me. I swung from one mood to the next, fighting off tears, anger, and even happiness. I longed for attention, friendship, and direction, but I would not allow myself to take control of my emotions to return to a normal state of mind. Instead, I gave into the feelings that were wrong and ungodly. I would wake up in the morning determined to change and start anew, only to hit 2:00 and launch back into depressive thoughts. I even tried getting a dog to make me happy and bring me companionship. It didn't work. Nothing did.

And the verse was still there in my mind, in the very back of my mind. Promising peace if I would only trust in God; if I would only keep my mind on Him. Finally, I did. After fighting God for weeks, I gave over my plans to Him and trusted that His way was better than mine. For me, that meant not going to school right now, which was so hard. It meant letting God have my heart so that He could mold it for His plan.

And there was peace.

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I thought I was past the emotion game. I thought I had them in control again. As I was preparing for a book study this week, I was silently "amening" the fact that I have all these issues with my emotions in order. Pride comes before the fall.

This very weekend, I again struggled. I pulled myself into my own world and erected a wall so that nobody Hubs could not get through. Everything was suddenly his fault, and in less than 24 hours I already knew I was sinning horribly.

But, I kept doing it anyway.

When I finally humbled myself and repented to God and Hubs, I felt peace. The peace I know is there for me when my mind is on God. So many things distract me - books, tv, daydreams, emotions, myself, others - but I can overcome them and when I do, I see how incredibly rotten my sinfulness is and how completely sweet my fellowship with God is.